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Quick / Short joke thread - Hardtuned.net - Page 9

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Quick / Short joke thread 

265 replies to this topic

#241 Eevo

  • Joined:07-January 07
  • Location:Australia SA

Posted 14 November 2011 - 11:19 PM

Whenever I feel my life is shit, I remind myself of the billions across the globe who have it worse than me.

Then I have a good laugh at their expense, and feel a lot better again.

#242 Datsun240z

  • Joined:05-November 10
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:240z

Posted 19 November 2011 - 06:10 PM

If a branch falls in the forrest and lands on a women then why is their a forrest in the kitchen?

#243 snakey180

  • Joined:24-October 11
  • Location:Australia NSW
  • Car:180sx

Posted 19 November 2011 - 06:29 PM

whats long black and smells like shit?

the line at centrelink.

#244 Phoenix Silvia

  • Joined:02-July 11
  • Location:Australia VIC
  • Car:N/A 180sx

Posted 03 January 2012 - 09:17 PM

Why did Tupac and Biggie go to Heaven?

They both got Faith!

#245 sssturbo

  • Joined:02-July 08
  • Location:Australia TAS
  • Car:S14 200sx

Posted 01 February 2012 - 06:40 PM

i can make my penis 10 inches long, wanna know how
































fold it in half :shades:

#246 loz

  • Joined:31-December 97
  • Location:Australia QLD
  • Car:Nissan 200SX S14.5

Posted 16 February 2012 - 02:38 PM

Alien 1: 'So, did the humans get our message?'

Alien 2: 'Yes, but they've called it 'dubstep' and now dance to it.'

#247 Laundo

  • Joined:06-April 05
  • Location:Australia ACT

Posted 16 February 2012 - 02:51 PM

dubstep ~ Making dial up internet cool agian.

#248 loz

  • Joined:31-December 97
  • Location:Australia QLD
  • Car:Nissan 200SX S14.5

Posted 16 February 2012 - 03:05 PM

Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have some really good bus companies listed.


______________________________


Virgin Broadband

The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.


______________________________


I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.


_________________________________________


Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..

He knew.

_____________________________________________


"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"

"I'm too drunk, you get in."

_______________________________________________



*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'



_______________________________________



I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew there was no way that shark was going to help him.


___________________________________


I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.

Also, I'm out of vodka.

#249 Laundo

  • Joined:06-April 05
  • Location:Australia ACT

Posted 28 February 2012 - 12:52 PM

 loz, on 16 February 2012 - 03:05 PM, said:




*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'


OMG that is CLASSIC!

#250 A31Cefiro

    Because I'm suave its ok for me to act like a prick

  • Moderator
  • Classifieds Items
  • 7,863 posts
  • Joined:04-June 05
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:A31 Cefiro

Posted 09 March 2012 - 06:37 PM

Liam Jurrah has just been cast as the lead role in Machete II.

#251 Noobles

  • Joined:04-June 08
  • Location:Australia NSW
  • Car:RPS13 180SX S2

Posted 09 March 2012 - 06:40 PM

If you watch JAWS backwards, its a film about a shark that throws up so many people they have to open a beach.

#252 s15iPANDA

  • Joined:02-March 12
  • Location:Australia NSW
  • Car:1999 S15

Posted 22 March 2012 - 07:16 AM

what do you call a fat computer?
A Dell

#253 loz

  • Joined:31-December 97
  • Location:Australia QLD
  • Car:Nissan 200SX S14.5

Posted 22 March 2012 - 08:15 AM

"Must you really lick the knife?"

"Sorry, force of habit," I said, "Loads of people do it though, don't they?"

"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor."

________________________________________


I've spent five frustrating days repeatedly shouting "Heal!" at my dog.

If it doesn't work soon, I might just have to take him to the vet.

________________________________________


"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

__________________________________



I looked out the window and it was pissing it down.

I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'


____________________________________


Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because, without that, what's to destroy?


__________________________________


As I held my severely deformed son in my arms, the midwife gave me a smile and said, "What are you going to call him?"


"Fucking Everything" I replied, "Starting off with The Spazmeister."


__________________________________


I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.

I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.


__________________________________



Got stopped by a policeman today.

"Any idea how fast you were going back there?"

He said, "Listen mate, I'll ask the questions."



__________________________________



I can't believe how sexist my new girlfriend's parents are. They have tons of childhood photos on the walls of their son as a little boy but none of her from when she was growing up.

She doesn't want to make a thing of it though, she says that's just traditional Thai culture.



___________________________________



My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men books.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

#254 loz

  • Joined:31-December 97
  • Location:Australia QLD
  • Car:Nissan 200SX S14.5

Posted 22 March 2012 - 10:26 PM

The creator of Red Bull died three days ago. Coroners are still unable to close his eyes.


#255 Black Sheep

  • Joined:25-March 07
  • Location:Australia NSW

Posted 28 March 2012 - 05:51 PM

There were 7 dwarfs in a hot tub all feeling happy - so Happy got out.



#256 GARGZ

  • Joined:06-May 09
  • Location:Australia NSW
  • Car:Onevia

Posted 01 April 2012 - 09:07 AM

Why are fat people like Autoglass?

Neither have ever ignored a chip.



April Fools Day...

Anyone got Kate and Gerry McCann's phone number?



My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.

It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.




Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.





What does a black man do after sex?

15 years to life.

#257 GOT-180

  • Joined:04-August 10
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:SR 180 & CA 180

Posted 03 April 2012 - 08:50 AM

Heres a funny joke..........



SEX!!!!!



do you get it??

#258 ZeroFallen

  • Joined:10-February 05
  • Location:Australia VIC
  • Car:1989 S13 Silvia Ks

Posted 03 April 2012 - 08:58 AM

 GOT-180, on 03 April 2012 - 08:50 AM, said:

Heres a funny joke..........



SEX!!!!!



do you get it??

Every night.

#259 GOT-180

  • Joined:04-August 10
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:SR 180 & CA 180

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:26 AM

 ZeroFallen, on 03 April 2012 - 08:58 AM, said:

 GOT-180, on 03 April 2012 - 08:50 AM, said:

Heres a funny joke..........



SEX!!!!!



do you get it??

Every night.


:shades:

#260 Albaru

  • Joined:23-April 09
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:R34-4DR/R32 SkidRig

Posted 07 May 2012 - 08:53 AM

- Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in 14 years.

Her attempt at 6 grams in 14 mintues was less impressive.





- I used to go to strip clubs, but now I have a girlfriend.

Now I can be broke and sexually frustrated at home.




- I got divorced and to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.

I really love the bit where she takes off the ring, walks up the aisle, jumps in the car and leaves.

#261 loz

  • Joined:31-December 97
  • Location:Australia QLD
  • Car:Nissan 200SX S14.5

Posted 08 May 2012 - 03:30 PM

CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.

Except Winter and Summer.

And Autumn.

________________________________________


Same shit, different day.

Probably should change my boxers.

____________________________





I hated playing hide and seek with my brother when we were kids.

He always chose the same hiding place.

At the bottom of the stairs, crying in his wheelchair.

______________________________



According to the X-Box Kinect adverts, I am the controller.

So whenever I lose a game, I swear and then throw myself at the wall.

______________________________


I hate it when my Korean girlfriend gives me those puppy dog eyes.

The only way I can swallow them is to imagine they are cherry tomatoes.

______________________________

Half a dozen

Because "six" is way too long.

______________________________


I'm not saying my wife is fat, but we had to ask special permission to make her passport photo landscape.

___________________________


I don't get why girls think it's sexist when we pay for everything on a date. It's not sexist, it just makes sense!

After all, we do get paid more.

____________________________

#262 Albaru

  • Joined:23-April 09
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:R34-4DR/R32 SkidRig

Posted 09 May 2012 - 08:26 AM

^
That hide-and-seek one.
f**king LOL.

Probably shouldn't be reading these at work when I start
pissing myself laughing on the showroom floor.

#263 Albaru

  • Joined:23-April 09
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:R34-4DR/R32 SkidRig

Posted 11 May 2012 - 08:16 AM

I used to hate going to church.
It was the pews I couldn't stand.
6 feet for your back and only 2 for your ass.
I'd often be sitting in church and look up,
at the guy nailed to the Cross and thought,
'at least he gets to stretch his legs.'

#264 Tbetts

  • Joined:19-January 10
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:R34 25gtt 4dr sedan

Posted 15 May 2012 - 09:38 AM

why did the rubber chicken cross the road...... She needed to stretch her legs

#265 GOT-180

  • Joined:04-August 10
  • Location:Australia SA
  • Car:SR 180 & CA 180

Posted 29 May 2012 - 09:17 AM

Heard this one the other day...

Whats the difference between a joke, and two dicks?








Your mum cant take a joke :shades:

#266 loz

  • Joined:31-December 97
  • Location:Australia QLD
  • Car:Nissan 200SX S14.5

Posted 21 September 2012 - 02:37 PM

I had sex with this girl last night, and I must have been brilliant because she was telling everyone about it.

Her friends, her parents, the police...

______________________________________________


Message to all Muslims:

China said that Mohammad loves it in the ass

Just try picking a fight with them.
______________________________________________

If I was a suicide bomber, I'd put a light hearted spin on things by asking someone to pull my finger beforehand.
______________________________________________

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Coles Value Brand toilet roll.
______________________________________________

My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.
______________________________________________


I hate it when new parents ask me who their baby looks like.

It was born 2 days ago, it looks like a fucking potato.
______________________________________________

A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.
______________________________________________


I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

______________________________________________


My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.

I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.

______________________________________________


How many naked glamour models does it take to change a light bulb?

If you know the answer to that, fair play to you.

______________________________________________


Contraception: Birth Control

Abortion: Birth Control-Alt-Delete

______________________________________________


Foreign Aid : Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country.

______________________________________________


When I was young I got a Tamigotchi as a "practice pet" before the real thing, to teach me how to care for a living creature.

Anyway, having proved a wonderful carer, I eventually did get a hamster, but one day it got ill.

Remembering the lessons my Tamigotchi had taught me, I promptly shoved a pencil up its arse to reset it.





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