Quick / Short joke thread
Posted 29 January 2007 - 08:57 AM
One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing, and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"You do that and I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, Ma'am," he said and left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Posted 29 January 2007 - 09:57 AM
Why did the plane crash?
..Because the pilot was a loaf of bread
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
..Because Sally has no arms
Why did Fred fall off the bike?
..Because Fred's a fish. Fish cant ride bikes.
Why did the kid fall off the swing?
..Someone threw a fridge at him.
Posted 30 January 2007 - 07:20 AM
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and...Only in Australia...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia...do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters
Only in Australia...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Australia...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Australia...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
And finally...In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet
Posted 13 February 2007 - 12:59 PM
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it again and it won again.
The local paper read : PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day : NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read : NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headline read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
Posted 16 February 2007 - 12:03 PM
"If you're not in bed by 10, come home"
Posted 23 February 2007 - 01:38 AM
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearninghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
After pulling over a speeding car, a police officer asks the driver, "Can you tell me why you were doing 80mph, sir?"
"I think your speed gun is broken," says the driver. "I had my car in cruise control at 60mph."
"Now don't be silly, dear," says the drivers wife. "You know we don't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket the man growls at his wife, "Can you keep quiet for once?"
The woman smiles and says, "You should be thankful your police-radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer writes out another ticket for an illegal radar detector, the man says to his wife, "For God's sake, will you button it?"
The officer frowns and says, "I also notice that you're not wearing your seat-belt, sir."
"Well, I was," says the driver. "But I took it off when you pulled me over."
"Now, dear, you know very well you never wear your seatbelt," says his wife. As the officer writes out a third ticket, the man shouts, "For the last time, shut up you silly woman!"
"Does your husband always talk to you like this?" the policeman asks the wife.
"Oh no," she says. "Only when he's been drinking."
This blonde walks into an electrical store and says the guy behind the counter, "I want to buy that T.V. on the shelf over there". The guy behind the counter says "Sorry we don't sell to blondes".
So she goes home dyes her hair brunette and goes back to the store.
Walks in and says to the guy behind the counter, "I want to buy that T.V. on the shelf over there". The guy behind the counter looks up and says "Sorry we don't sell to blondes".
Confused she goes home and dyes her hair red, once again goes back to the store.
Walks in and says to the guy behind the counter, "I want to buy that T.V. on the shelf over there". The guy behind the counter looks up and says "Sorry we don't sell to blondes".
She just stares at him for a while and says "How the hell did you know i was a blonde all this time?"
The guy looks up and says "Well you see that T.V. on the shelf over there, thats a microwave".
Had to save my most fav for last.
Theres these two muffins sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says. "Damn it's getting hot in here!!!".
The other one looks over and says "OMFG a talking muffin!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Posted 06 March 2007 - 10:22 AM
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded,
"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used."
Posted 09 July 2007 - 08:31 PM
the rich man says 'im getting my wife a diamond necklace and a mercedes'
the poor man asks why he's getting her TWO presents.
'so if she doesnt like the necklace she can drive back to the shop to replace it'
the poor man seems to accept this answer and they continue on talking,
'so... what are you getting your wife?'
the poor man replies 'im getting my wife a pair of thongs and a dildo'
the rich man is stunned... 'why are you getting your wife THOSE??'
the poor man smiles and replies 'cause then if she doesnt like the thongs she can go f*ck herself'
Posted 10 July 2007 - 01:21 PM
The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg.
Yo mama's such a lazy ho, the only thing she won't do is the dishes.
Yo mamas so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
What's the difference between yo mama and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it.
Posted 10 July 2007 - 07:11 PM
Posted 09 August 2007 - 03:59 PM
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately resulting in death.
Posted 09 August 2007 - 04:01 PM
I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape
We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had
the Sportsman's Double:- a mother and daughter three-some?
I said no".
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her house.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...
Posted 18 August 2007 - 12:53 AM
Ripping it off.
disenter sent me this one the other day:
Two pregnant ladies are knitting jumpers and one says, "I hope mine's a boy, I'm using blue wool" The other says, "I hope mine's a spastic, I've f**ked the arms up."
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.
Posted 24 August 2007 - 12:27 PM
The seagul replies - "At the tip".
A man walks into a pet store and says "ive only got $25 what can i buy that talks?'
The man behind the counter replies "well we have this parrot, but our popular choice is the new talking centipedes"
"ok, Ill take a centipede then" says the man.
He gets home and says to the centipede "Im goin down the pub, you wanna come?"
Theres no reply from the centipede.
Anyway he starts getting ready for the pub and comes back 10 mins later and says "im going to teh pub you wanna come?" - but theres still no reply
The man puts his shoes on, does his hair and grabs his car keys and as hes on his way out says to the centipede "For the last bloody time, Im going to the pub do you want to come?"
The centipede replies "I f**king heard you the first time, im putting my shoes on!"
Just a couple of my favourites...
Posted 04 October 2007 - 05:22 PM
Q:why did the condom go flying??
A:it got pissed of!!
why did the blonde with one arm fall out of the tree?
cause i waved to her
Posted 01 November 2007 - 07:03 PM
cause 7 8 9
my old man told me that today lame but funny
Posted 03 November 2007 - 11:19 PM
cause they're shellfish.
Why don't ants get sick?
cause they have anti bodies
Posted 14 January 2008 - 08:16 PM
Posted 07 March 2008 - 11:38 PM
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful
Posted 10 March 2008 - 06:13 PM
Posted 21 June 2008 - 05:24 PM
AHAHAHAHAHAH shit that is so good!
Saw this written on the whiteboard at uni the other day, pretty lame but still...
Posted 25 June 2008 - 09:23 AM
this is one i heard ages ago , but pissed myself laughing
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Posted 02 July 2008 - 12:52 PM
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
In your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
That I would not choke on his response; knowing he
Would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
In his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
Posted 30 July 2008 - 02:46 PM
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
I painted my room with this new "Blonde" colored paint. Its not too bright but spreads easy.
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Posted 02 August 2008 - 11:12 PM
they run across a house full of food.... and the guy who owns the house says "i have to chop off your penis according to use profession"
first guy comes up and says his a butcher... so the owner of the house with food in it chops off the guys penis with a meat cleaver.....
the next guy say his a carpenter... so the owner of the house with the food in it hammers on the guys penis until its not attached to the guys body anymore....
then the next guy comes up and laughs... the owner of the house asks why are you laughing... and the dude says im an ice cream truck owner.... you have to lick it until it melts....
Posted 04 August 2008 - 09:39 PM
arrived. 2nite im goin 2 wear a gold 1",
wife replies "why dont you wear a silver 1
and cum second for a f*ckin change".
A man is walkin down the street when he is
approached by a prostitute. "for $200 ill
perform any act 4 u" she tells him, "provided
u can describe the act in three words". The
man thinks about the offer for less than a
moment and hands her $200. "OK tell me
what u want me to do, but remember only in
three words". The man who has been silent
throughout the exchange says "paint my house".
shh dont tell any1 but im gonna go down on
u and ur gonna love it but its only gonna last
long enough for you to start enjoying it then
im gonna come back up and f*ck u over big
lots of love petrol prices XOXOX
wots tha difference between michael jackson
and a greyhound? the greyhound waits for the
hare to cum out
The Schappelle song.
dont blame it on the sunshine, dont blame it on
the airline, dont blame it on the Bali nine, blame
it on the boogie!
Posted 05 August 2008 - 11:37 PM
One of Kevin Rudds first tasks as PM is to impose a tax on sex.
-Kissing will be taxed at 10%
-Hugging at 20%
-Squeezing at 20%
-Smooching at 50%
-And full-on sex at 90%
The great news for you is, as a wanker, it will still be TAX FREE!
Posted 13 August 2008 - 03:17 PM
Who used to work as a miner,
He tripped over a rock,
Split his cock,
And now he's got a vagina
Posted 21 August 2008 - 04:45 PM
the bar man replies " sorry mate i cant serve you"
the nose is puzzled and asks " why not"
to wich the barman says, "look mate, your off your face".
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