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A31Cefiro

Quick / Short joke thread

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i can make my penis 10 inches long, wanna know how

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

fold it in half :shades:

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Alien 1: 'So, did the humans get our message?'

 

Alien 2: 'Yes, but they've called it 'dubstep' and now dance to it.'

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Just been on bigbustycoons.com

 

Damn, those guys have some really good bus companies listed.

 

 

______________________________

 

 

Virgin Broadband

 

The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.

 

 

______________________________

 

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

 

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

 

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

 

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

 

"Yesterday?" I replied.

 

 

_________________________________________

 

 

Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..

 

He knew.

 

_____________________________________________

 

 

"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"

 

"I'm too drunk, you get in."

 

_______________________________________________

 

 

 

*Food hits floor*

 

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

 

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'

 

 

 

_______________________________________

 

 

 

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

 

I just laughed, I knew there was no way that shark was going to help him.

 

 

___________________________________

 

 

I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.

 

Also, I'm out of vodka.

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*Food hits floor*

 

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

 

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'

 

 

OMG that is CLASSIC!

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Liam Jurrah has just been cast as the lead role in Machete II.

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If you watch JAWS backwards, its a film about a shark that throws up so many people they have to open a beach.

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"Must you really lick the knife?"

 

"Sorry, force of habit," I said, "Loads of people do it though, don't they?"

 

"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor."

 

________________________________________

 

 

I've spent five frustrating days repeatedly shouting "Heal!" at my dog.

 

If it doesn't work soon, I might just have to take him to the vet.

 

________________________________________

 

 

"It's a boy!"

 

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

 

__________________________________

 

 

 

I looked out the window and it was pissing it down.

 

I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'

 

 

____________________________________

 

 

Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because, without that, what's to destroy?

 

 

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As I held my severely deformed son in my arms, the midwife gave me a smile and said, "What are you going to call him?"

 

 

"Fucking Everything" I replied, "Starting off with The Spazmeister."

 

 

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I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.

 

I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

 

 

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Got stopped by a policeman today.

 

"Any idea how fast you were going back there?"

 

He said, "Listen mate, I'll ask the questions."

 

 

 

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I can't believe how sexist my new girlfriend's parents are. They have tons of childhood photos on the walls of their son as a little boy but none of her from when she was growing up.

 

She doesn't want to make a thing of it though, she says that's just traditional Thai culture.

 

 

 

___________________________________

 

 

 

My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men books.

 

No more Mr Nice Guy.

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The creator of Red Bull died three days ago. Coroners are still unable to close his eyes.

 

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Why are fat people like Autoglass?

 

Neither have ever ignored a chip.

 

 

 

April Fools Day...

 

Anyone got Kate and Gerry McCann's phone number?

 

 

 

My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.

 

It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

 

 

 

 

Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

 

 

 

 

 

What does a black man do after sex?

 

15 years to life.

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Heres a funny joke..........

 

 

 

SEX!!!!!

 

 

 

do you get it??

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Heres a funny joke..........

 

 

 

SEX!!!!!

 

 

 

do you get it??

 

Every night.

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Heres a funny joke..........

 

 

 

SEX!!!!!

 

 

 

do you get it??

 

Every night.

 

 

:shades:

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- Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in 14 years.

 

Her attempt at 6 grams in 14 mintues was less impressive.

 

 

 

 

 

- I used to go to strip clubs, but now I have a girlfriend.

 

Now I can be broke and sexually frustrated at home.

 

 

 

 

- I got divorced and to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.

 

I really love the bit where she takes off the ring, walks up the aisle, jumps in the car and leaves.

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CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.

 

Except Winter and Summer.

 

And Autumn.

 

________________________________________

 

 

Same shit, different day.

 

Probably should change my boxers.

 

____________________________

 

 

 

 

 

I hated playing hide and seek with my brother when we were kids.

 

He always chose the same hiding place.

 

At the bottom of the stairs, crying in his wheelchair.

 

______________________________

 

 

 

According to the X-Box Kinect adverts, I am the controller.

 

So whenever I lose a game, I swear and then throw myself at the wall.

 

______________________________

 

 

I hate it when my Korean girlfriend gives me those puppy dog eyes.

 

The only way I can swallow them is to imagine they are cherry tomatoes.

 

______________________________

 

Half a dozen

 

Because "six" is way too long.

 

______________________________

 

 

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but we had to ask special permission to make her passport photo landscape.

 

___________________________

 

 

I don't get why girls think it's sexist when we pay for everything on a date. It's not sexist, it just makes sense!

 

After all, we do get paid more.

 

____________________________

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^

That hide-and-seek one.

f**king LOL.

 

Probably shouldn't be reading these at work when I start

pissing myself laughing on the showroom floor.

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I used to hate going to church.

It was the pews I couldn't stand.

6 feet for your back and only 2 for your ass.

I'd often be sitting in church and look up,

at the guy nailed to the Cross and thought,

'at least he gets to stretch his legs.'

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why did the rubber chicken cross the road...... She needed to stretch her legs

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Heard this one the other day...

 

Whats the difference between a joke, and two dicks?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your mum cant take a joke :shades:

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I had sex with this girl last night, and I must have been brilliant because she was telling everyone about it.

 

Her friends, her parents, the police...

 

______________________________________________

 

 

Message to all Muslims:

 

China said that Mohammad loves it in the ass

 

Just try picking a fight with them.

______________________________________________

 

If I was a suicide bomber, I'd put a light hearted spin on things by asking someone to pull my finger beforehand.

______________________________________________

 

I got in touch with my inner self today.

 

That's the last time I buy Coles Value Brand toilet roll.

______________________________________________

 

My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

 

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

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I hate it when new parents ask me who their baby looks like.

 

It was born 2 days ago, it looks like a fucking potato.

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A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

 

Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.

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I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

 

______________________________________________

 

 

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.

 

I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.

 

______________________________________________

 

 

How many naked glamour models does it take to change a light bulb?

 

If you know the answer to that, fair play to you.

 

______________________________________________

 

 

Contraception: Birth Control

 

Abortion: Birth Control-Alt-Delete

 

______________________________________________

 

 

Foreign Aid : Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country.

 

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When I was young I got a Tamigotchi as a "practice pet" before the real thing, to teach me how to care for a living creature.

 

Anyway, having proved a wonderful carer, I eventually did get a hamster, but one day it got ill.

 

Remembering the lessons my Tamigotchi had taught me, I promptly shoved a pencil up its arse to reset it.

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